Suicide never goes away

Some people might be under the assumption that I'm over Israel's suicide. The fact is you're never over it. Suicide is the black cloud that never leaves because the outcome can never change.

It'll be four years in April. I struggle with wondering if I had done anything slightly different what would the result be? I left with our daughter because of fear. I never expected he'd kill himself. I knew he would be upset but made it clear that he should always be involved in Laura's life. I left because I was tired of living a life in fear and anger. But now I pay in having to explain to Laura the he left by choice.

Several times a day sometimes I play out the scenario and my mind plays the "what if" game. I feel terribly guilty and then relief that the fear is over. Then I feel sad for Laura and sad for myself because I loved him no matter what. There was no closure, no note and no I love you (something we said throughout the marriage - a million times. )

I did find love again but never will the hole that Israel left be filled. He was not a bad person but he made some terrible decisions. They will last an eternity.

It's a long road. Luckily, Jeff lets me openly talk about it and asks me questions. It can't be easy on him living in the shadows of suicide. Of course I have increased trust issues and spent the beginning of our relationship trying to push him away before he abandoned me. He stood strong and daily tries to show that he isn't going anywhere. Hopefully, one day, this damaged heart will truly believe it. We both know it is trying hard to get there.


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