Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Welcome to my closet

One memory that sticks out from when Israel died was the day I took his clothes out of the closet. My sister took care of Laura and my friend helped me with the task. I never saw the closet with only my clothes. It was half his and half mine ever since we had the house (almost 5 years at the time.)

My friend went as fast or as slow as I needed. It wasn't easy on her either because she knew Israel for years too. Each piece had a memory - a history. Some good, some bad or a little of both. I think what made it easier was that I knew I was going to keep them in the attic for Laura. I kept about everything I could for her since that and memories people can tell her is the only link to him.

It was hard to get used to not seeing blue buttoned down shirts lined on hangers plus sweaters that he wore because he knew I liked it on him.

When Jeff first moved in, he put his clothes in the office for several reasons - space for one. However, during the last week/weekend, we decided to consolidate to one closet and buy a nice dresser for his clothes in our bedroom.

I can't tell you the number of emotions I felt as I sat on the bed watching him hang his shirts in the closet. It actually gave me goose bumps like we were really doing this and becoming one.

A closet isn't just a closet. It's a space that holds your personality, likes/dislikes, occupation, leisure time and most of all, your heart! Welcome to my closet, Jeff. Hope it's a long and happy journey.

Dentist and hockey

The weather has sure warmed up ! I'm not complaining either because I don't like winter at all. I'm not a huge fan of humidity but I'll take it any day compared to cold weather.

Laura went to the dentist today with my friend's daughter. She's seven and they get along great. I was saddened to learn that Laura has a tiny cavity in the very back. She eats very healthy and brushes her teeth twice a day. We are going to brush three times a day and have someone help her with the back teeth.

As a Mom, it's hard not to feel like you did something wrong when your child has a cavity. I'll work harder with her on her teeth and hope for the best !

The dental assistants were not so cool. Even though I took Laura to this office before, they assumed that I was the child. After I explained to them that Laura is my daughter, they acted all strange and had difficulty looking me in the eye. It was rather strange.

Laura played pee wee hockey later and the stick was almost as big as she was! So cute.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I admire you

The other day while I was watching Laura during her swim class, there was a mother at the pool with her two children. She was obviously frustrated and my attendant commented that she was being mean to her daughter. I missed the scene because I was focused and amazed to see Laura swimming by herself for the very first time.

After her lesson, Laura seemed fine until we entered the bathroom to have her change. She had a breakdown because her shirt was inside out. She solved this problem many times before but this time it was a tragedy. Everything became dramatic and crying begun. Numerous times I had to remind myself that I needed to have patience. After she dressed, I asked he to put her bathing suit and towel on my lap. Well, for some reason that created some catastrophe because another tantrum started again.

During these little battles, I asked her to stop acting like a baby because she was now over four. I also said babies need naps and when we get home she had to take one if she continued to act like a baby.

My agenda was to go to Walgreens after class. With Laura's behavior, I decided to drop her off because Jeff was at home doing yard work before work. I told Laura that her behavior wouldn't be rewarded with going shopping. She was not happy but left the car on her own.

At Walgreens, my attendant said she admired me because I kept calm but followed through with discipline. I was rather surprised because I felt it was a normal mother thing to do.

When we returned, Jeff was on the porch. He told me after five minutes Laura said she was going to bed. He said ok and checked in on her ten minutes later, and she was fast asleep. She ended up sleeping for almost three hours!

When she woke up, the first thing she told me was, "You see Mommy, I acted like a baby because I really needed a nap and you said babies take naps. " I said, after laughing, "next time just tell me you're tired and I'll gladly let you sleep."

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Physical therapy and other happenings

I started physical therapy last week and went again today. I do like it but it's kind of an inconvenience. I go when Laura's in pre school which is good but it takes time away from my errands. Running errands without a little one is always easier. Laura can be an asset or a lot of patience at a store.

Yesterday Laura was very creative. She took some of her stuffed animals and set them up all over the living-room. She made a zoo and I would be the visitor. She enjoyed playing the innkeeper and telling me all of the names. I love her imagination and compassion toward the animals.

She also likes to act out that she is going to college. She packs a small bag of toys and kisses me good-bye. She'll set up a dorm space that she likes to call her apartment. Then to my surprise, she pretended to call Adam (our next door neighbor who is a week younger than Laura )and invited him to come over for dinner and sleep over. I panicked a little bit to envision what was going to happen when she really goes to college.

Laura enjoys acting out scenarios and stories. We have a lot of fun. It's interesting how the most enjoyable games are basically free. All they require is a little time and some creative thinking.

Savings 4/12/11

3 rolls of Brawny, 2 family packages tasty cakes, 5 boxes of cereal (cheerios, trix, kix), gallon of milk, 3 cartons of Edy ice cream, 2 steam fresh vegetables bags = $24

Ben & Jerry's has free ice cream day. Unfortunately, the closest by me is Philadelphia.

Walgreens - get All detergent - BOGO plus coupons. Kraft Mac and chess is sixty nine cents.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Four years

I know it's been awhile since my last post. I have had a busy and emotional week. Today marks the fourth anniversary of Israel's death. The daily life gets easier but anniversaries are still painful. The process begins on April fifth to April sixth. On both of these days I relive it like it was yesterday.

I still remember when the phone rang at my sister's house from my dad letting us know they found his body from suicide. My heart raged, my ears rang and shock went throughout. My three year old nephew at the time cried because we were upset and my daughter just stared at me. I wish people knew what they leave behind by suicide.

I'll still feel pain when it's the fiftieth anniversary. My life is good now and I love Jeff so much. But my relationship with Israel was cut short. I know he loved me and Laura. Laura has so many questions and wants to know him. I do the best that I can filling in the blanks.

Since today is also Israel's birthday, I let Laura celebrate by having a special treat and we said a prayer. I didn't tell her he died today too because I don't believe she needs to know that right now. I try to focus on the positive. I told her that he loved vegetables and chicken soup like he did. This pleased her.

So I take these two days of the year to remember, feel, grieve and be thankful. I do miss him and feel at least we would have been great parents together. I thank him for Laura.

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