Four years

I know it's been awhile since my last post. I have had a busy and emotional week. Today marks the fourth anniversary of Israel's death. The daily life gets easier but anniversaries are still painful. The process begins on April fifth to April sixth. On both of these days I relive it like it was yesterday.

I still remember when the phone rang at my sister's house from my dad letting us know they found his body from suicide. My heart raged, my ears rang and shock went throughout. My three year old nephew at the time cried because we were upset and my daughter just stared at me. I wish people knew what they leave behind by suicide.

I'll still feel pain when it's the fiftieth anniversary. My life is good now and I love Jeff so much. But my relationship with Israel was cut short. I know he loved me and Laura. Laura has so many questions and wants to know him. I do the best that I can filling in the blanks.

Since today is also Israel's birthday, I let Laura celebrate by having a special treat and we said a prayer. I didn't tell her he died today too because I don't believe she needs to know that right now. I try to focus on the positive. I told her that he loved vegetables and chicken soup like he did. This pleased her.

So I take these two days of the year to remember, feel, grieve and be thankful. I do miss him and feel at least we would have been great parents together. I thank him for Laura.


  1. Jessica, you and Laura are definitely in my prayers. I lost my mom to suicide (following breast cancer in her case) 20 years ago, when I was 15, so I can sympathize. An entirely different situation, I know, but I agree with you...I wish she'd been able to see that what she was planning to do was not going make life better or easier for me or anyone else, in time for her to change her mind. Sending hugs your way...

  2. Jessica, what a painful anniversary! My heart breaks for you. And Laura.


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