Post traumatic stress disorder - PTSD

I rarely like to talk about my own personal issues, however, I thought this might help others feel less alone.

I have PSTD and in many ways, it can be more annoying than cerebral palsy. Israel, my late husband and Laura's biological father, seems to have had Aspergers syndrome. No one knew or guessed that I know of when he was alive, but after he died more and more was known about Aspergers.

I remember the day I figured it out. I was in my office looking up things about suicide and someone mentioned their husband having Aspergers. I read the signs of it and knew he must have had it. I felt horrible and angry that I didn't figure it out sooner.

With some people with Aspergers angry blow ups and social inappropriateness is common. Israel was such a smart, funny, loving and helpful person. But then he could be ultra stubborn, have no empathy on my feelings, and rigid in ways needed done.

Unfortunately, when things didn't go exactly planned or sequences weren't right - he expressed his frustration by screaming and being cold as ice. I first witnessed a major anger blow up to me two weeks after we were married. It resulted in a broken office door and a very stunned, dazed and confused wife.

I chose to stick it out. About eight months later, we separated. Things got real ugly when he put me out on the door step without shoes in 20 degree weather. He moved out for a few weeks and we went to counseling.

All these screaming fests that were a unpredictable as the weather, left me shell shocked, timid and on edge. It got to the point when he'd come home, my heart pounded, palms sweat because I never knew if it was going to be the sweet loving guy or the sullen angry guy.

If I knew he has Aspergers, I would've viewed it differently and understood. No, I should not have had stayed in that kind of state for 5 years. Leaving seems easy but it's not and when I finally did leave, he killed himself.

PSTD affects me when I know the house isn't in perfect order and Jeff comes home. I feel my heart rate increase. Jeff has never yelled over house stuff. When Jeff and I argue, I always have a feeling of being quiet and not voicing myself over fear.

I'm finally fighting back and trying to fight through PSTD. It's almost 5 years since Israel passed, but I still can hear the screaming and thinking in my head - will I survive this argument?

No one really knew what was going on. I hid it well, but afterwards people said they were glad to have the real me back.

Please don't go hating Israel or get the wrong message of Aspergers. With knowledge and treatment, our outcome might have been very different. Israel was as gentle as a lamb with Laura and was an excellent father. His anger was directed to me because e felt the closest to me, I imagine.

PSTD is real though and hopefully one day will be gone.

Comments

  1. Jessica,
    I am a documentary filmmaker working on a story about adults with disability finding love, relationships and starting a family in India. I would like to chat with you about your experiences. if you would like to chat please email me at realtalkies@gmail.com
    thanks

    ReplyDelete

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