My children are the best of me. Growing up, I knew that I would have children. It never bothered me not knowing how or if it were possible. Having children was just a must do.
I played with dolls a bit differently than many other girls. I couldn't manipulate them physically. So, I would line them up and do imagination games in my head. I'd often talk them out loud. Pretending saved me from many hours of boredom.
I didn't have a grand master plan how having children would work. I knew physically I wasn't capable of caring exactly to what a baby needed. What I did know was I had a lot of love to share. I observed how my parents raised us. There was great things they did and there were things I knew I never ever would do.
God had the plan all a long. He wasn't going to sit there and tell me details. He let it unfold and helped me learn. I have moments of great joy. I have moments of great sorrow. But I know becoming a mom is nothing I'll ever regret.
The other night Jeff asked Laura to help clean the kitchen because after dinner he came down with a terrible migraine. She accepted the challenge. I swallowed the urge to have self pity that I couldn't do it and my little girl had to. But then magic happened.
I guided her to do the basic clean up, but then she quickly felt excited. She made it a TV show about cleaning. Laura loved filling the sink with bubbles and asked what she could clean next. My frustration disappeared as we bonded and truly had fun.
I also entertained Jason as he played in the high chair. He is a smart little boy who is developing daily. Jason just gets things and has a spark in his eye.
Her love for cleaning continued as we sat in her room cleaning even more. At one point, I had tears in my eyes thinking one day she won't need me helping her (more like guiding her) and she will have a house of her own. Then I thought the need to enjoy these moments even though I'm exhausted and just want to relax.
As I came out of Laura's room feeling accomplished, Jason saw me. He smiled widely, yelled "MA!" He ran to me and sat in my lap. I'm so glad to be alive and in that moment.
I'll have too much time to relax when Jason and Laura are both in school. I need to fight through my own selfish tendencies and allow it to seep into my memory.