A few days before surgery for a lumpectomy

I'm glad that my surgery wasn't immediately after my breast cancer diagnosis.  It gave me time to process, think and prepare.  I remember a few nights after being diagnosed, Jeff and I laid in bed and I said, "I can't believe that I have cancer!'"  He agreed and took my hand.

Last spring, Jeff and I watched a series called Chasing Life about a young woman who has cancer.  We've watched movies with people who have cancer and cried when they didn't make it.  We've donated money to cancer. But when it hits you, it becomes unreal and almost like you're watching someone else's life. But it's your life.

I have amazing friends and family. I've talked to people more than ever and expressed my love for them and vice  versa. Right now, I'm the life version of that song, "Live Like You're Dying."  No, I'm not dying of this breast cancer but it reminds you that your ending isn't controlled by you.  Bigger and higher forces control your death.  No one knows when you're going to die, but it happens. A cancer diagnosis isn't immediately a death sentence but it's a reminder that death does exist even for yourself.

This week is my lumpectomy and then instead of radiation-it looks like I will take a pill for ten years.  The doctor feels being still would be too difficult for me.  It sounds unbelievable to take a pill for that long but really it's not that bad. If it's destroying something that wants to destroy you, I'd take it for 100 years!

Jeff and Laura are doing well even though I know it's weighing heavily on their mind.  Laura breaks down sometimes and I just reassure her what the doctor told me. I feel bad when I know that I'm the cause of someone worrying or concern. I don't like to be a cause for any kind of pain. Jeff is almost at the end of nursing school and I know it's in his head.

As for me, I'm not looking forward to the pain and bruises.  I was pretty banged up a few weeks ago and you can still see bruising on my arm.  I'm worried about the physical appearance especially with bathing suit season.  What can I say? I'm a girly girl and I like turning the head of my husband.  But he says I'll look good no matter what.

I see things differently now and try to make each second count. Less television, less technology and more laughing,talking, playing and time.  Live like we should live instead of living like time is unlimited.  I'm also looking ahead to Jason's third birthday which is a few days after surgery.  Plus Laura entered a spelling bee!

Thank you again for your love and support!


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