Since my cancer is still low grade, I still have time to make some important decisions. This Wednesday, I go to a genetic counselor to have a swab sample from me. Then in about ten days or less, I'll know if I carry a specific gene which means I'll most likely have breast cancer in the next five years. If I do, it makes my decision quite clear about a double mastectomy.
Next week, I'm going to Fox Chase Cancer Center for a second opinion. I do trust my doctor but you never know what someone else might see or know. I made the appointment myself and felt proud of myself. Talking on the telephone to people who don't know me is challenging due to my speech. I had to talk a lot about what was going on and it went pretty well.
Many people ask me how am I doing? It's a complex question. When I'm doing my normal life tasks as in playing with kids, potty training Jason, shopping, paying bills etc, I feel perfectly fine. I think I even forget that I have cancer. But then, it'll hit me like when I'm thinking about summer clothes or anything to do with summer. What will I wear? How will I feel? Taking a shower is hard when you look down and wonder how you will deal with an empty space. At night, I read everything I can find to prepare me and also scare me. I'm processing and trying to be positive. I'm still here and should be here for a long time afterwards. A little (or a lot) of pain and a check in with my appearance are worth it.
At Mass yesterday, my mind drifted to my own funeral. To picture my children, family and friends being sad over me felt unbearable. I decided in that moment whatever it takes to keep me here, I have to do. Too many need me but most importantly, my daughter and son.
So, I'm doing fine, but have my moments of fear, sadness and anger. All are normal as long as they pass and you remember the fight to live isn't just because you want to, it's because others need you! Stay strong!