The ugly monster called Fear

Fear isn't pretty or nice. Fear is cold and the ear piercing silence grips your spirit tightly.  Courage melts fear with love and strength, but before courage, there is fear.

My upcoming surgery has fear and courage at a constant battle. I forget, then another pre surgery test comes and then fear strikes when I least expect it.  What kind of pain will it be? What will I look like? Will I lose more independence? Did I make the best decision? Will I still be able to mother? And what if the worst happens - I don't survive?

I know all of these questions are slightly irrational, but they are cold gripping questions that wrap around you.  Anyone going through a major surgery most likely goes through these questions. 

My questions won't be answered until the surgery takes place.  Even that's a mystery right now because they are having trouble scheduling it for some bizarre reason.  Some part of me wishes it would never be scheduled and the cancer disappeared.  Not likely, I know.  

After every fear comes courage.  But if you know someone in fear, be there.  If you know someone in fear, they aren't looking for your answers or how you are going to handle it.  I don't want to know how you would deal with it or tell me not to feel my emotions at all.  Hug them, let them feel what they need to, tell them that you hear them and love them.  That's all they need - not answers to questions of unknown, not how you are handling it, and never to suppress emotions.

I know courage will come.  It's probably happening as I write, but it doesn't mean I won't feel fear again.  Fear and courage go together constantly when facing something new.  Embrace it and realize emotions will pass - strength will be the product of the struggle.


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